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I decided to write this after dealing with the death of my mother. You see, I lived 10-12 hours away from where she lived. She moved into her home in 2006. I was living in Missouri and dating someone (who turned out to be very toxic for me).
Mom had her tribe of people and I was adrift for a bit after I left the guy I was dating. My tribe at the time had good and bad people in it. I was still holding on to the idea that I NEEDED people even if they were cruel to me.
I moved back to Colorado and slowly found my true tribe again. People who pushed and inspired me, who helped me, and who stood beside me.
In 2024, mom passed in July and I had a rough time. Her tribe turned out to be, well I can't find nice words for them. Oh at first they were helpful (ish), willing to help mow the grass, "watch" the house, etc. They were only willing to help if they were getting something out of it. Not because they cared about my mom, but because they wanted something out of her death.
When I didn't take a lowball offer on the house and land or just give them things, they left without a backward glance. When I had her estate sale, not a one of the people that claimed to be friends, that had pestered me literally from the day after she died until the sale showed their faces, only my tribe did.
I found out in 2024 that some people weren't my tribe either after working with them for seven years, they showed me their true colors, but I was lucky that I still had a tighter inner circle tribe of people that SHOWED up for me, physical, mentally, and spiritually after the other group left in my time of need. That group is my true tribe, and sadly, my mom didn't have that.
True tribes - it doesn't matter the distance, the relationships, the race, the gender, whatever, all that matters in a true tribe is that you actually CARE about the other person, not for your financial gains, but for the person, PERIOD, END.
My tribe came together through phone calls, emails, messaging, and in person hugs and showing up when I needed them the absolute most to help. It's things that you can NEVER repay back, that you can only pay forward that makes your tribe special. There's no accounting, no "I owe you's", no expecting anything in return. It's helping whether it's me, or should something happen to me, and it's the executor of my estate without expecting financial gain in return.
If you don't have a tribe like this, if your tribe expects "things, especially money" from you, or they wouldn't be willing to help the person that is named the executer of your estate without expecting something or just taking something in return because they have access to the house, they are NOT and never have been your tribe (or your family member's tribe for that matter).
Sometimes, toxic people make their way into our tribe's because we don't see the vultures they truly are until it's too late and the damage it done. It's only after we have finally stood up for ourselves and cast them out that we truly see all the harm they have caused.
That's why watching people's actions is SO important. Actions speak louder than words. People can tell you to the end they are your friend, but when the time comes to prove it, they will turn their back and ask you why you don't talk to them anymore. Your true tribe members will ALWAYS have your back. Always take actions over mouth work.
The lesson of choosing the right tribe is hard. Letting go of people you have known for years because they aren't a good fit with your beliefs and your mental health is hard, but you will find, that once their undermining is gone, you are better off.
I hope that you can find your tribe.
There are no words to describe how grateful I am for mine.
