Taking Control of My Body Image

 

Since I was diagnosed with high gluten intolerance by one doctor and celiac by another, I have been trying to find easy options to make on a budget. The problem is there's not that many easy options and they taste like cardboard to me. I am going through the grieving stage of food, where nothing tastes the way I remember. It's been 4 years since my diagnosis and I still miss certain foods. 

Easy options include gluten free crackers, chips, and cookies, everything that's not good for you when you are trying to take some pounds off.

I have asked multiple times for help from my previous doctor and all I have gotten from her is "Exercise more," or "We can give you Ozempic or this other drug." The drugs she is offering are diabetic drugs and I am not diabetic. Most of them have horrible side effects as well, that I am not going to put into my body. 

I have worked with a therapist about some of my mental health issues, my ADHD and RSD, and she helped me see the places in my past where I was told by family, friends, loved ones, and even strangers that I was too fat or too skinny or whatever and it affected how I used my weight as a way to fit into the world around me or to not fit in to the world around me. I will talk further about this in another blog. 

I have also taken on some things for myself. Taking online classes about health and wellness. Reading various books that offer different alternatives to why we keep weight on, and doing Reiki/energy work. 

It's been an emotional journey or rather a release of stale emotions blocking me. I had my first Reiki treatment on March 30. This was an amazing experience. I had several emotional releases of various kinds through the month of April.

I also started following some people on Instagram that talk about Weight Inclusive Therapy and Body Image work. It's been helpful to see people that are classified as "obese" by current measurement standards that are personal trainers and therapists and are actually healthy but don't fit the size 2 that everyone thinks should be the norm in women. 

One had a Body Respect Journal. It was a 30 day challenge. I did it. Some days it was VERY helpful, others I was hard pressed to agree with the view I had of my body. 

Body Respect Journal

Favorite Quote

This is the one Affirmation that totally stuck with me. It's hard to do, very hard, but it's something that I think about daily. 

I also took an online class about Weight Management. This one was very by the book of follow BMI and we should all be showing our ribs and have 0% body fat. It was actually a struggle to get through this class. I hated every moment of it, because it made me feel ABSOLUTELY horrible about myself, but I kept doing it because it showed me what not to believe. My assignments were challenging this "norms" ideas that were being studied and I actually had an 88% at the end and it was only because of the tests. My assignments got 100%. 

Certification

I have found things that trigger my self hate about my body. As much as I loved doing the Auxiliary, the uniforms were in no way, shape, or form, flattering. Sizes don't take into account for curves, even in women's cut clothes. And there were negative people that fed my self hate as well. I left in July 2024 after 7 years. I loved my time there, most of the people, and the work, but I am in such a better mental space now that I am not doing the Auxiliary. 

Also the fact that most clothes stores list size 10 or larger in the "PLUS" size section. Clothes in this section are not flattering or done in the same fun styles as made for women that are smaller in size. Body shaming is something that really needs to stop in this country. 

Also, sizes in Women's clothing are not congruent. I have five pairs of jeans. One is a 12, one is a 14, one is a 16, one is a 20 and the final one is a 24. They are all the same waist size, YET they are 5 different sizes, so I honestly don't know WHAT SIZE I WEAR. 

I have started buying men's slacks because a 36" waist is a 36" waist EVERY WHERE, not just in one brand and just dealing with the fact that the pants aren't flattering. 

Or I tend to wear a lot of denim leggings, because I know the size I wear in those. 

I had my second Reiki treatment on May 10, 2024. Since then, I have had several small bouts of emotional release. The largest and most cathartic coming on May 25. It's been a roller coaster of emotions on a lot of things and I am having my third Reiki treatment on June 14. 

June 11 my mom went into the hospital and passed on July 4. One thing I have found is that I have more anger now and more Body Image issues. Especially since my mother weighed 95 pounds at her death and had been told by her doctors she was too fat when she weighed 120 pounds.

I had another Reiki July 12, and I am still bundled with my negativity on my body and now with my grief. 

I did nothing in August or September or October or November - I just didn't have it in me. Really, I was not even in the frame of mind to try to do anything but get up each day. I was dealing with a lot from my mother's estate and work was just endless and all I wanted to do was stuff my face with comfort food that I could no longer eat. 

When I contacted the person about doing Reiki again, she told me no. I was shocked, but I started looking around and found Salt & Stone Spa in Estes Park. 

I started sessions there in December 2024, January 2025, and March 2025, April 2025, MAy 2025. I do her combination massage and energy work and it's been SO amazing. I have also started going back to my facialist and my waxer because these things make me feel good and confident (and are talked about in another blog about health and beauty). 

Winter is hard for me because I love light and sun, and while snow is fun for a bit, it's work and come home. I am finding that the spring is hard too, because work is exhausting to me and I am looking for changes. 

I don't do the gym (because it is gross and disgusting seriously) or swimming (Because I am still self concious in a swimsuit), but with each little step, I am taking back control of my self image.

In a world where being "full-figured" is a sin because we are all "supposed" to look like super models, I am doing what I can for me to look in the mirror and like the person I see. I am writing this in hopes it helps someone else with their body journey. 

The Shit Show of a Death of a Parent (A Guide to helping those whose parents have passed)

I decided to write this blog in hopes of helping others dealing with the passing of a parent. 

Death is hard to talk about for some. Many consider it a taboo thing to talk about, but death is a part of life; you can't have one without the other. 

My mom died July 4, 2024. I was unprepared for this, just like most people. She was a cancer survivor (Stage 4 Cervical cancer), she had renal issues, but she made it seven years before she had a stroke and passed.

I tried multiple times, on the phone and in person, to talk to mom about end of life stuff. She would put me off telling me that I was trying to kill her off. I know she didn't want to think about dying, but setting up your estate is not thinking about death, it's thinking about life. It gives you freedom, and your family freedom.

These are the main things you need to look at: 

1) Medical Durable Power of Attorney (POA) - a legal document filed with your doctor and put with all of your important papers, in which you designate someone as your agent to make medical decisions on your behalf if you become unable to make those decisions yourself. 

Mom did not have this anywhere I could find it (after she passed, it was found in a bank lock box that I had the dickens of a time getting in to, because she didn't have anything filed with her doctor and only a handwritten will.)

It was nice to know after the fact I made the choices she wanted, but I REALLY needed this WHEN it was happening. To know I was doing her wishes. PLEASE DO NOT PUT YOUR FAMILY MEMBER THROUGH THIS!

2) Advanced Healthcare Directive or Living Will-  legal documents that provide instructions for medical care when you are unable to communicate your own wishes. Choose the one that works best for you.

This helps medical personell know WHAT they can and can't do for you until your POA arrives. Should always be with the Medical Durable POA! 

Mom's was with her POA in the lock box at the bank that I couldn't get into - PLEASE DO NOT PUT YOUR FAMILY MEMBER THROUGH THIS! Please file them with your medical doctors and put them where family members can find them.

3) Will - legal document that outlines how a person's assets and property will be distributed after their death

Having a written will is good, but it must be FILED or it takes much much longer for family members to deal with in probate. 

4) Durable Financial Power of Attorney (POA) - allows the agent to make decisions on your behalf if you are unable to do so. They will control your finances if you are unable too. 

Bank accounts - please put a PAY ON DEATH on your accounts to get the money to your chosen person

Vehicles - add them to the title as a joint owner or fill out and notorize a transfer of title upon death with the DMV.

5) Burial Instructions - do you want to be created, buried, do you have a plot, want your body donated to science? Put all the information where your family can find it. 

6) HIPPA (medical) releases - patient form to authorize a healthcare provider to share their protected health information (PHI) with specific individuals or organizations

7) Quit Claim Deed - legal document used to transfer ownership of property from one person to another. This supercedes the will, if the executor is not the person on the quit deed, then the executor has no control over the home, just the possessions. 

9) Social Security - if the person is 65/older, then there will be a lot to deal with here. Expect hours - I filled out the paperwork to file for death benefits, but you MUST put in a change of address - I spent 20 hours just trying to get mom's final document for her taxes - ALWAYS MAKE AN APPOINTMENT - even if they tell you no need! 

9) Taxes - find previous tax forms and contact a CPA to do the final death taxes. 

11) Other things  - things pop up - it's been 10 months for me as I write this and things are still popping up, besides emotions, just expect things to pop around at the least opportune time. 

Getting a planner like this one is a great idea! Put everything in one place for your family member:

If you are the person that is the POA/Executor for your family member there are a few things too

1) Death Certificates - I ordered 15, even though I was told not too by the crematorium- 1 year later I have 3 left. Order more the first time, even if they tell you only 5, buy 15. 

2) Contact Attorney - the estate will go through probate, contact your attorney ASAP. 

3) Tell family, friends, and employers - both yours and the deceased's tribes of people (this is where you find out how good your tribe and their tribe is) - SEE HERE. 

4) Make funeral, burial or cremation arrangements - if family doens't have specifics, then do what you think is best and easiest for you as the person dealing with the death. I was lucky that mom always told me she wanted to be cremated. 

5) Secure the property - secure property - houses, cars, etc. People will try to break in. With my mom's tribe, several things were missing from her home. This is why it's important to know your family member's tribe  - and have a great tribe yourself. 

6) Provide care for pets - keeping or giving them away as per the person's wishes. 

7) Forward mail (requires death certificate) - do this infinately - I mistakenly did it for just 6 months and her important taxes papers were not sent to me. URGH. 

8) Contact a CPA - final death taxes will need to be filed. 

9) Make an inventory of all assets - clothing, vehicles, collectibles, etc. This will need to be turned in to the probate. 

10) Make a list of bills - a death planner is great if they have it, but if not - go through computers, phones, and mail to find all bills. 

11) Close Credit Cards, Banks/Financial items - let them know that the person is deceased - if the estate has money to pay the bills, do so, but only after probate is complete. 

12) Cancel Driver's License - so that the family member's identity can't be stolen.

13) Terminate Insurance Policies - these policies will come up in probate too. 

14) Delete or memorialize social media accounts, close email accounts, turn off phone service, and anything else for online identity. 

15) Cancel internet, phone service, etc.  - self explanatory. 

16) Update Voter registration - this must be done so that no one can steal your family member's identity. 

17) and anything else on the Death Certificate Checklist below

I am sure there are many things I have forgotten, but I hope this helps. This was so devastating for me living 12 hours from my mother and trying to deal with everything. This is not easy, and if you plan stuff and get things notorized and filed, it can make stuff so much easier.